So, ya. I can count the amount of good days I’ve had in the last six months on one hand. I’ve been taking my vitamins for a while now and still don’t want to do anything. I’m starting to think that I really do just suck at life. That no matter how healthy I get my body, the way I think will always be messed up.
I stink. I don’t care. I can’t even do the dishes. I want to disappear.
Anxious, like my heart is beating too fast. And agitated/angry/annoyed. I can’t stand being in the same room with my mom right now. My stomach hurts too. Like I need to puke.
I want to beat something up. I want to have rough sex. I need my hair pulled.
I want to scream and kick and cry.
But mostly I just feel ill.
“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.”
~ Ray Bradbury
I was born this way..
My friends do care and I don’t owe anyone an explanation as to where I’ve been the last 6 months.
Keep taking my vitamins.
Go for a walk every damn day.
Let go of all the guilt and forgive myself.
I feel totally sick to my stomach. I haven’t looked at my facebook since March. I also disappeared off the face of the planet to everyone but my family around the same time. I really feel like im going to vomit.
SO basically, I have withdrawn from the world and seeing that I missed a friends wedding! countless birthdays, well wishes and 37 friend requests, 55 messages, makes me realise how much I am missing out on.
I get to the point where I totally cannot see the light. I REFUSE to see it. This is the worst its ever been.
And I feel like a total shitbag. And I know my friends don’t hold it against me that I’ve ignored them for 6+ months but when I apoligise they’ll say its ok and then I will feel guilty because Its like they’re not allowed to be mad because I’m damaged goods. I feel like I deserve to be punished. That its not fair for them to forgive me and let me get off so easily and waltz back into their lives. I feel like I don’t deserve people’s love. I mean, its really nice to know people care but it almost makes me feel worse because I can’t seem to reach back out. So its a vicious cylce of me not replying, feeling guilty about not replying, them trying again, me feeling worse digging myself deeper and deeper. I have simply been a barely existing bag of shit, eating, sleeping (alot), and that’s about it. I have gone NOWHERE for 6+ months. I am disgusted.
I have been tip-toeing around suicide every day for a while now. It’s time to shit or get off the pot. And since I can’t/won’t leave family/friends feeling like there was something they could have done I simply am unable to pull the trigger.
In limbo, pretending not to exist, coping the only way I know how. To disappear to as many people as possible and drown as many thoughts as possible. I KNOW I couldn’t go through with it. It would just be awful for my family to have to deal with me offing myself. They dont deserve that. They’ve tried to help.
But there’s still a part of me that makes tentative plans. I still think its an option to kill myself. And that is not right. Thats not anywhere close to normal. Thats not even ok.
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?
I’m scared, embarassed, ashamed, and numb.
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